Back!

A month since my last post; a month since I've written any new words.
For the past week, I've been going through the story, scene by scene, figuring out what things to add, what's needed. I have 21 scenes left to process then it's on to the new stuff.

I'm also a big fan of schedules too. I'll see how my new one works out. I work on house, eat supper, etc, etc, until 8pm and then story until 10pm. It's the old plan but sort of tweaked a little bit.

Also no more internet until 10pm/after the writing session is over. I'll keep a log of how it went and then just post it at the end.

And more problems with plot line

I've been strongly inclined to replot the whole thing but that way lies insanity. I actually created a folder but the thought! just the thought, dread fills me.

anyway I'm not supposed to care about the quality of the story which means I can leave as is.

regardless the scene scheduled next doesn't interest me. i'll wait and see if it finds a place organically in the story otherwise, damn it, i'm excising the whole stupid subplot from my story and good freakin riddance, it's been nothing but trouble.

yup, not one positive thing to my story. humph. that sucks

the reason why I plotted out to the end is because I wanted to know I was getting somewhere. but ever since I've been constrained by it. I need to just write the next scene that happens.
Course I have no idea what that is except it should move the story toward TE already.

UPDATE: spent whole night trying to think of another storyline [as in completely different book] that would actually work.

85,024 (+88)

Only 88 words. But happy to refocus on what I need to figure out rather than revising old scenes. Definitely better way to go.

And I broke 85K.

black void of the subplot that just won't stay fixed.

Can nothing be simple??? !!!!

Even though it's right, it's hard to face all the changes. And I just can't seem to move forward without knowing what went before. It goes against all the rules though. Don't revise until it's finished. If you revise before you're done, you'll be caught in revision hell because later you'll think of something even more awesome and have to revise it all again.

Actually I don't need to revise. But I do need to figure out how K finds out about TU. If I do that, I should be able to move forward. Yay for writing it out, I love blogging :)

Major Breakthrough Eureka!

I shouldn't post but I'm excited. I've had a major breakthrough with "The Subplot." It was a matter of putting together a combination of characters that I hadn't thought of before. I'm not sure I understand the implications well enough but it's the FIRST one where it didn't make things instantly more complicated. It just feels right, finally!

I don't think I will be able to write the entire scene tonight. I feel shell shocked/distracted. I need to figure out how it ripples out over everything, what needs to expand or change. Woot, woot though! I'm going to keep plugging away, I just felt the need to cheer a bit. It's been such a stumbling block! SUCH a stumbling block. Now I need to figure out where that puts everyone. Then I can move forward.

As a side note: I actually haven't given the MC to be there yet but that'll be nothing now. Now I can strengthen the entire subplot up until this point. And part of that will be giving MC a reason to be nosey.

Goals for tonight

i avoided my project all day because I'm stuck. Unfortunately I didn't spend the day struggling with it.

I need to raise the stakes/give MC a reason to be there.
I need to figure out what happens once she's there.
Complete the scene. :)

An aside on nano

Nano is calling to me. I have never considered it before but this year it would mean two things: 1.) Very impt. It means I'm finally done with my book. 2.) It would mean I would get a significant amount done on my second book.

Well, if I'm done book 1 in the next 14 days or so, I'll certainly do Nano.

UPDATE: I find it to be a very interesting coincidence that I have 14 scenes and 14 days left in October.
For me, Nano would be the challenge of writing 1 scene a day for 30 days. So the rest of Oct would be gearing up to do the same thing.

Calling it a night

The next scene is still a black void. I am in the next scene by about 330 words but don't have clear idea what should happen. Just vague sketch. not enough

Updated word count: 84,778 (+1129)

and back and forth I go. From lovelies to black void to lovelies to black void again.

Oh, and note for tomorrow: Duh, still need to figure out why MC is being nosey. As in, RAISE THE STAKES ALREADY!!!

Lovelies, lovelies

One scene done. Oh, the lovelies. Explained some stuff that I wanted but changed something that I thought I'd figured out. But amazing thing, it fits something else that I love. And it hints at other lovely things. Oh how lovelies, oh how lovelies.

And now because it's an extra scene, I still have 15 scenes! Gah. And still need to figure out how to get to the next planned scene and what's going to happen there.

This book is going to be 200,000 words by the time I'm done.

But as for this scene, it was 811 words. And it was progress. So I'm all good with that!!

toehold??

"Book as event" has certainly creeped back in. Also I had't truly finished the last scene.
I added another paragraph but have no idea how to transition to the next scene. Also MC needs to talk to her friend and explain what happened. And then there needs to be a REASON why she goes to next scene. not just that she's nosey.

I'm adding another scene: transition scene. I'm pretty sure I will be losing some of the other scenes. They belong in another book I think.

Stuck in the void again

bleeding onto the page. that's the only way to describe it. technically i have written things. but not really actuallly anything.
this is a farce. how would i ever manage to make stuff up for a living?
ideas are so easy to come up with but taking the chars through their paces, page after page, is so difficult. if only i could see my scene and why it's necessary. i just can't get a toehold into it.

and there's nothing better than having a scene come out and just click for you.
that happened yesterday.
but today. it's staring at the black void again.
i don't care if it sucks. correction. i agreed not to care if it sucks. but blah, me no like boring. me no like tagging after people that i don't care about. And me don't understand how i'm going to tie up all the loose ends in the story i've got left.

i was reading this blog the other week from this full time writer, talking about how easy it is and how he doesn't understand why people try and say it's a difficult job. it's fun.
and then i read another blog where someone mentioned they didn't believe in writer's block just writer laziness. which means it is difficult. the reason we get lazy is because it's so difficult that it's easier just to shelve it and ignore it and hope the problem goes away and the muse figures it out while we're gone doing something else.

the guy who said it was easy said that if you are having trouble you are stuck in 'book as event'. which certainly i am. i wanted to publish it.

I have tried to take his advice and not care that NOTHING IS HAPPENING THAT I'M INTERESTED IN but blah.
i want to see the scene as a movie. i don't know how to facilitate that. i wish i could get myself through this.

Novel Push Initiative- 15 total, 7.5 today

The same thing for yesterday goes for today: Just finish the damn, stupid thing and move on!

Today my goal is 7.5 scenes. About 7500 words.
(My biggest total ever in a day has been 2500 words but I've never spent a whole day at the computer before either.)

No internal editor, I don't care how stupid or pointless it is. Just write the 7 scenes as quickly as I can.

Update... new total 83,649

One scene down. +1093 words.

Only 4000 words to go in my goal for tonight, hah, that's all! and it's 10:55 pm!!!

Oh and 15 planned scenes left total. progress, progress.

I'd love to say I could write another scene but I'm just so dang tired. My little Novel Push Initiative will have to wait until tomorrow.

g'night me :)
and muse, I totally give you permission to make this the suckiest thing ever just so long as I get to say "T.E." I don't get to write it yet. but you know that thing you put after the next 15 scenes. and then we get to move onto another project and let this one sit. You know that one. That's all that matters. I really want to be able to write that and yell it. So just be sucky tomorrow and let's get a move on with this thing. thanks!!

Yuck and sigh

So here's my thought: lots of first novels suck.

Yup and there you have it.

So I should just finish the damn,stupid thing and move on.
Sigh, I had such high hopes for it too. But you know, it's the re-read. I really thought I would still like my story but no. no, no, no. I'm so sad.I don't want to write a kid's book but maybe that's all i'm capable of writing.

So I should just fnish the damn, stupid thing this weekend. Yah, that sounds like a plan. Just a big rush to the end. What the hell. What is that, 5 scenes a night, about 5000 words? Hah, no problem.

No internal editor, I don't care how stupid it is. At least I can move on!

Well I redid the subplot a little bit to take out the ridiculousness. But it's still pretty weak. But it's less weak than before so I suppose that's progress

+645 new words, 173 of them in the next scene

decisions decisions...

Oh no it's actually Oct now. egads.

So that whole "I must finish" impetus just vanished. I'm stuck. pure and simple. I need to skip but my main plot line is at a lost place. and I'm not sure how to rip the sub plot out and I don't want to. I like the sub plot. I need to figure out how to keep it so that it doesn't contradict the other sub plot.

and oh I wish I was done.

@8:40
OK, so 30 mins to type the scene fast. I can fix it/change it later. But it'll be easier to rewrite the sucker later.

548 words of brainstorming. It is like a big black depressing uninteresting void.

Ok, so 548 words [of brainstorming] as I said and [the scene's] not SO uninteresting as it was.
But what I've come up with so far is rather lame.

What is wrong with me? I'm so stuck. I can't see the next scene at all. It's not the sub plot but still no interest in the next scene.
I really need to identify the conflict. The main conflict needs to be brought into my next scene.

Goal 1: Determine what should happen in next scene which will bring conflict and twist into it.

So maybe my old standby phrases will help... any progress: paragraph, decision, anything is progress.
The rough draft is supposed to sound stupid.

ugh, i can't even remember my phrases. BUT, they make me smile, so that's something.

This will be worst book ever but I did pay for HTRYN so why not?

And for today...

Goal:
Complete next planned scene.

And I'm back

Wow a week lost.

I must finish the story, that is the decision/nothing new.
I will not follow the sub-plot I will move on to the next planned scene. Either the sub plot will show up again and I will be able to tie it off without hijacking my story or I won't be able to. If I can't, I will go through and cut it out.

And that's that.

So this guy is great: http://www.deanwesleysmith.com/
He's all about writing in a white hot rush to the end. Sounds awesome. 'the end' heh, heh
but he's also about just fixing the typos and mailing it out to editors. sounds meh.

But that's what got me to the decision of ignoring my sub-plot-for now. My critical mind is too involved in where this story is headed. And the sub-plot just shouldn't be keeping me from finishing the main story.

Not done yet

Plotting and plotting. but ran out of time unfortunately. I'm starting to make some headway.

Additionally overall it looks like two black holes are what's really stumping me. Possibly not as bad as i originally thought.

What happens next?

I HAVE NO IDEA.

Gah. This is horrible!

Work was terrible and no time to figure out this troublesome sub plot. I feel like just dumping it/pretending it never was. But it would pull a lot of loose ends together if I can finally figure this out.

It feels like one of those simple plot points too. There's just not all that much to it so why am I having so much trouble figuring out. It goes back to the antagonist problem. I just cannot figure them out. Which means I am trying to fit the story into the scenes I already wrote. And it just ain't gonna happen.

So I need to replot and give up some stuff I like.

Wah.

This is NOT any fun. I don't like plotting.

Oh and other problem. The scene I wrote last night: the voices are too childish. Yick. don't like that either.

So There's my goal for today and not enough time to do it.

I need to forget about word count tonight (wah)
Focus on figuring out what the hell my antagonist is up to. what in hell all the protag groups are up to. and how they all intersect to create my previous scenes and future scenes. And, please oh please, slash out all the trash.

Simple enough?


And, yes, I have done this over and over again and I simply cannot figure this crap out. What the hell?

747 words in new scene

The Next Scene went off in a different but important direction. I did not even get to the planned part of the scene. And I'm not sure I like the focus of this new scene.
It's about a whole section i haven't figured out yet and it's making that part more important then I wanted it.
I guess I need to take yet another look at my scene list and figure out whether this is a good direction or not.
If it is a good direction, which it probably is, I need to figure a few more very important things out before my writing session tomorrow.

And now my word count is haunting me. I thought I was okay with being over but now. Well this scene just opens up too many potential scenes. I don't think the story can handle the influx.

Must analyze, must analyze. Don't panic, don't panic :)

Finally found my next scene

This was definitely harder than I thought.
It involved a lot of reorganization. I also combined and got rid of a couple of scenes.
I now only have 16 scenes left. [WOOT, cause I love to woot] :)
Since my word count is fine already for a first novel, I'm definitely okay with losing some scenes.

My next scene is another biggie.

On to goal 2, brainstorm the heck out of it :)

And my updated scene order is better now. I'm so happy with the progress I've made tonight.

Goals for Today: Wed 9/22

Today:
1.) Figure out next scene in my list. (I have my scene list but the order just isn't right.)
2.) Brainstorm the scene
3.) Write 250 words moving the story forward.

Word Count Update: 81,162 (+2117); 2 new scenes

Just like it says :) added 2117 words today and completed two new scenes. I readded the transition scene that I had decided earlier not to write. But it's not the reaction scene. It's just maybe a sentence of that and then a different thing that was totally needed and completely perfect. Today is one of those perfect writing days that I love so much.

New total: 81,162

Time out to woot [party, party]

80,141 (+1096)

Amazing!!

Oh and previous scene is finished. Now I am on to the next one.
So far it has been a summation of a week that passed. And now the scene I cut earlier cries out to be put back. Cause I'm kind of wondering how the characters are getting along. Now I kind of need the reaction scene back where I originally had it. I'm going to keep going to see whether I can sneak some quick categorization into this whole summary.

Goals for Today: Tues, 9/21

[No evil box time; any progress is good]

1.) brainstorm candybar scene  (This was something I did at work today.  But I love to take the space to woot for myself.  I have slightly better handle on the scene now.]

2.) 250 words in new scene

Update for yesterday (new total: 79,045

So yesterday I got 280 words. Fine/ok not good.  Really not seeing the scene yet.  I didn't meet either goal 3 or 4.  But I did meet primo goal: any progress is good

New word count: 79,045

(Yeah I lost a lot of words. I found a later scene where stuff had been started but no longer fits. Woops, totally forgot it was there but it was adding to my word count).  Lost some words just getting rid of that old attempt..

3rd Goal: what's needed for this one...

Took a bit of an interlude for breakfast with hubby and then we were chatting for awhile.  At least I am in my next scene so I think my Muse has been adjusting to the next task ahead and I do feel pretty focused on the scene I need to write.

I cut two scenes before my break (bringing me to about 20 scenes left to go).  I just couldn't face them, they felt like filler scenes.  Every book has then but I always feel like skimming them cause it feels like the author is trying to make their word counts.  And I can always add reaction scenes in later.

They're the type of scene where people discuss their feelings/their plans/what they thought about what's happened so far.  The balance question is though: I'm sure they are necessary in some amount. But because I've read too many where the whole book is pretty much characters talking about how they feel and what they think that --ugh-- there is no word strong enough for my dislike and tense disinterest in writing that type of scene.

So I skip ahead and leave the reader to fill in the blanks.  

My next scheduled scene is a candy bar scene [insert 'woot' here].  :)  The story is moving forward!!

Oh, the pressure to get on page some joy of discovery and fun and wonder.  Talk about pressure.  But when this type of scene is done right it makes the whole story worth reading, again and again, just to relive that moment.  

That's what I'm up against today. 

And I can't quite see it yet.  So I am back to my main goal for the day: 

“If I do something to improve the story, then I’ve made progress.”

Technically goal accomplished: I've gone through my scene list to make sure my book won't be 350K before I reach the end.  I finished the last scene and got my Muse to move on.  

But really/honestly... progress is moving the story forward.  

Today I need to dive into story and write a first draft version of my candy bar scene.  I might try the old trick of starting in the middle at the point when the power is revealed and then working my way back and then forward to the end.  Yes, I think that might work really well today.

2nd goal done

MC is now firmly in next scene.  

Several things are nagging at me about my next scene (about 200 words in) but I have decided to keep going.  Typically the feeling will build and then I'll have to rewrite the scene.  But I think it's necessary.  It's like the old adage "you can't edit a blank page."  I can't seem to imagine the scene until I put crap down and that frees me up to reimagine it properly.  

It probably shouldn't but it gives me hope that I will really like revision.  Cause at that point the whole story is free to be reimagined.  

[Update: apparently I already reached that point.  I cut it out immediately upon return.  What I wrote already just couldn't stay.  It needs to be moved to the next book.  As it turns the focus of the book to something that just won't be dealt with yet.  Now how to get the scene right.  Gah, I hate this part... dark, black void of a scene.  meh]

First goal done :)

79,580 (current word count)

100,000 (the longest I could have the book and hope to sell)

20,500 (how much is left)

1000 wds/scene (sometimes 700, sometimes 1500... so I'll say that's my average

20.5 scenes left

Took a quick look and I only have 22 planned scenes left [!!]

My scenes always generate extra scenes but I'll certainly have stuff to cut later anyway.  So I'm going with it.  

Goals for today:

* REMEMBER:  “If I do something to improve the story, then I’ve made progress.”

1.) Replot to bring the story to the end with less scenes [done]

2.) Edit the end of the scene so it makes more sense and brings scene to a close and transitions to the next one. [done]

3a.) Next scene

3b.) 500 words- new word count to 80K [!! then throw party !!]

New total: 79,524 (+640)

Scene is re-written to make more sense.  ended up with 640 new words (even with the 1026 words I had to take away).  The ending is still not right/smooth.  But I'm out of time.  I'll have to work on the ending tomorrow.  And new scene for tomorrow would be nice too !!

UPDATE:  OK, time to woot.  I just re-read my previous post.  and it makes me prouder.   :)  It just seemed to happen for me today; i came unstuck.  yay!

my scene is hopeless

I'm working on the rewrite.  

Here's the main problem: I don't know how it should go.  How people would act.  How he would carry out his assignment. If there's anyone who believes that people would have handled the situation the way the bad guys have.  

that's what's bothering me.  It makes no sense.  If you have rules setup to prevent information leaks, you don't let a girl run around ANYWHERE until you are safe from that person releasing that information.

A security risk like her would never have been allowed in that situation if it was in their power to prevent it.

how do I fix that?  I see no way out right now.

UPDATE:

so yeah, just want to write this out because it just strikes me as so odd.  This will be fixed too.  The amount of times I have been stuck with a hopeless scene. and it magically fits once I've thrown enough stuff at all.  Although re-reading shows how much more is left to be ironed out but still,  I am feeling SO down in the dumps. It's so amazing to think that one day I will be through even this scene.  

Goals for Today- Fri, Sept 10th

Well as previously stated:

~Rewrite scene, either with different character.  Or, MUCH, MUCH preferred, keep character but smooth out and change the way it went.  read as: character should behave in a way that fits their personality.  

Note: I shall keep original version to look back on later cause too funny.

~I don't care about word count, I just want to fix the scene above

~If I have time, I would like to get a hook into my next scene.  Either decide to skip ahead a week or figure out what is the conflict for the breakfast scene.

UPDATE: and, oh whine, see previous blog entry back end of August when I talk about this habit of mine of quiting when times get tough.  I called it.  grrr.  I called it. and there's no excuse.  How will I ever finish if I keep to these fits and starts?

so yeah, the scene is stuck

Last week was vacation.  But no, i'm not excusing my lack of progress. I had company the whole week before that.  But no, again, I'm not excusing my not sitting quiet for an hour to work on it.  I just didn't feel like it. 

I had a very quiet week of vacation. Easy to write.

I had a very self-sufficient guest.  Easy to write.

I just didn't want to.  Yeah, it's that last creepy scene that I wrote. And the boring scene that needs to follow it that's waiting for me. Either I skip ahead or I make next scene interesting. But before I can tackle that, my muse requires that I fix creepy scene cause it wasn't right and muse is pouting and silently glaring: not right, not right, not right.

So even though it had plenty of drama--being creepy and all--it just won't even get past my internal first reader and Muse refuses to let me think I'll wait and see how actual first readers will react to it.  I know already.  YUCK.  

And that's the problem in a nutshell.  The scene must be smoothed out and make sense and fit with the character that's in the scene.  But rewriting the scene is always easier than the first go through with a blank page. I'm in the scene already (after all), I just have to shape it better.

Here's to another go on the scene.

done for the night

I can't keep my eyes open so my goals will have to wait.  I have a twist that I am toying with. not sure it's really enough.  need something to happen that's interesting (and gives me a chance to slip in the interesting news casually) no info dumps here

blech. I am so bored.  yawn. i hate talking scenes just for the sake of conveying information.  there is no conflict here. move along...

And for today...

Today it is really important that I get my 250 words.  

I have this habit of going along but then sort of petering out as it gets hard.

250 words would be a great addition.

Next scene should be fairly easy because she just to see how the world has changed for everyone around her and learn a few key details.

Conflict?? hmm... that is a good question.  It's definitely the missing piece and fear just isn't conflict.  Need some sort of antagonist and some sort of twist.

So goals:

~250 new words in next, unwritten scene

~Determine conflict, antagonist and twist for that scene

+1027 words, new total 78,884

78,884 (+1027) (about 233 printed pages)

I was able to add some more to the scene to just really sink my MC up to her neck. She is already trying to figure out what to do.  Totally too soon. I think I should just leave her... yup, one sec... ok, that's fixed now. she's just lost.  creek/no paddle = happy writer.

really don't know how she will get out of it either.  just vague notions.

this is such an interesting job.

So the scene is solid but a little creepy [i know my actual first readers will not like that].  and not quite right. Not sure whether it's the "liveable" not right or the "pull story off-course" not right. It's tied in with a whole plot thread that I am unsure about.  And of course, because I have kept it thus far, scenes keep building on that understanding, as per "duh" it gets more and more difficult to remove.  This is where the benefit of an actual first reader would come in handy.  

Scene is also short.  I added 686 words so far tonight, all in that scene.  So I will need to figure out what's next to complete my goals for today.  

Actually I only need 64 more words.  I suppose I can make that happen fairly quickly.

And for today...

And so, goals for today.  I would like to make up my word counts for the past couple days. I would really like to get past the most recent--of a very long/never-ending string--of scenes in a way that makes me happy.  Yes, all the scenes are going to be toughies right until the end, I'm afraid.  But it's really worth it considering how much I love it once it's on the paper.

(in self defense, I love it in rough draft/and because I'm so excited, not because it's perfect.  Perfect never finishes, after all.

Goals:

~Write next scene in rough-draft satisfying way [UPDATE: DONE]

~End up with at least 750 new words. [UPDATE: DONE]

That's all the goals I am allowed for today.  

Sun and Mon

Somehow Sunday I got about 61 words but I don't remember writing them (must have been re-reading and adding a few words here and there).  Monday I did not write at all (too much real life going on). 

I have done some brainstorming which led me to realize that the 54 words I had already on the next scene won't work where it is.  I can probably use it later so I'm not going to cut them just yet.  Still + 61 - 54 = blah

It is funny how quickly magic turns to drudge. 

and before I forget

Last scene I was really reluctant not to get my MC out of trouble immediately.  It's the perfect setup to put her in danger.  And once again, I want to have someone make sure she knows that there's no danger.  

Instead do i not only want her to be in danger, I want her to know she's in danger. 

And this is just the beginning.

Why do I keep trying to reassure her?  Stupid writer/stupid writer.

Must remember tomorrow to ratchet up the danger not take it down [GAH!!].  Hello!! Freaking end around the corner [duh!!]

riding the rails

Wow, this is the kind of writing night that's just magical.  

I ended up having to cut a lot of material, about 1500 words.  Actually I updated FOUR SCENES. And now they are what Muse-Me imagined the scenes could be and what my mind's eye envisioned when I first sparked on a glimmer of the scenes.  I'm in a little bit of happy shock to be honest. 

I could not move the story forward but more importantly, the story is now back on track.  It makes me really happy that I could make that happen in one night.  And although I am not beyond where I was before, I did end up with 358 new words [goal met!!]     New total: 77,796

Now I have a comfortable spirit for moving the story forward another scene.  No more reluctance because things just weren't right.  But I know already that tomorrow is going to be another difficult scene to get into and figure out how to handle correctly.

It's an odd thing really. I know where I want to go/what the scenes are about. But the details can still be a mystery and yet they are the most important thing.  They add weight to the story and if they're out of balance or if they lean in the wrong direction they just start pulling everything off course, drifting me away from my dream story.

But, tonight at least, it's wonderful to cross so many scenes off my outline as good and truly done.

+225 words already

Part 1 of my goals for today is done. I was able to increase the reward for their little adventure and I have 225 new words.  very happy. :)  

Next I need to fix the two later scenes that were so off.  Make people's actions fits in more with how I thought the scene would go and just be a little "quieter" while ratcheting up some danger points.  

Today's goal

I identified what was off: my reader (one of many "me's" that is working on story, i love that i can be schizophrenic) is not buying the whole "let's just wander around and get in trouble and everyone else.  the place is way too fortified.

I need to:

~increase character motivation to take the risk/go in there [so that anyone would make same decision]  UPDATE: DONE

~increase payoff once they're in there [so that something was earned instead of being a dumb decision through and through].  UPDATE: DONE

Today:

~update scenes with above changes/or more likely, add notes UPDATE: DONE

~get my 250 words  UPDATE: DONE

I have until 9pm to do it so that is a nice cushion of time too :)

77,438 (+278)

Made my quota for the day.  Plot is moving in the correct direction but the past two scenes just feel off to me.  They'll certainly need a rewrite but more than the normal rough draft needs a rewrite. No one is acting correctly: people are a little too mad, a little too loud.  It doesn't feel right. 

77,160 (+1015)

ok, time for bed but yay, another scene :)

back on track

ok, so i just wasted AN HOUR [!!]  of precious writing time responding to the post.  no, no: i don't mean i was upset or anything. but just writing thoughtful response.  but oh my precious word count.  

so 30 mins to do 250 words.  yeah, well, we'll see.  sounds like 'word war' time :)

UPDATE: yeah, it just didn't happen today.  i can't work any later tonight so tomorrow i will get back on track.

blah

so apparently I take offense to people way too fast. i have the thinest skin available.  and so now i'm all 'off' about writing tonight. serves me right for checking that stupid forum anyway.  

need to get back in a good place where i'm not feeling all judged and misunderstood.  

[stupid people]    well, i feel better anyway

wah

So about yesterday... (and goals for today)

First to clear the air:  Yesterday was really not my fault.  I didn't bail. I am still committed.  I had to go in on my day off to help with some training.  And then there was a dinner afterward.  I had fun, lots of laughs.  but this was in the back of my head. how much I wanted to be home getting the next 250 words.  it just wasn't something i really felt i could decline.  it was good that i went.  just hard on my daily commitment (and because I was in training all day, I couldn't even think about the project which is hard too.  I love spending the little vacation between calls thinking about the story and what I want to happen and figure out backstory and all of that stuff I usually have time for, squeezed into the free moments of my normal day.

So on to today, still had a half day of training. but then I went back to my desk.  I didn't have a lot of time to brainstorm today. but I still got some good stuff. Some goals for the next few scenes and things I don't want to forget to include or reveal.  I feel like I am in a good place today.

Only have an hour and half. I would like to get 500 words to make up for yesterday.  But if not, I'll take 250 and call it good and make up Monday's work tomorrow.

So now that I have my goal, on to my fiction!  :)

goal met +370 words

and next mini scene accomplished.  Today I have added a total of 370 words. My new total is 76,145 

more importantly, the story has moved forward!

the meeting has adjourned :)

Update, update, update.  

The scene is completed.  

time to celebrate.  

but my word count is only 122 words after all that.

i never thought 250 words would be so hard to come by.  but i am so excited. the scene is perfect [and i mean perfect in the rough draft sense of the word] me is very happy right now.

Now to get 128 words blending in the scene I just finished with the scene I started this morning and I'll call that an incredible day.

Rebuilding the scene

So I took away the scene completely -1395 and i've been rebuilding it.  And (see previous post). stuck stuck stuck.

But the part I can keep is 555 words which technically means I have written my quota.  But you know, there's the little matter of the other 500 words I took away plus the 250 I was supposed to add today.  Cause you know, I was only supposed to add. I was NOT supposed to go back. But I couldn't help it. It was wrong and I didn't understand why they were saying what they were saying other than it was convenient for my MC.  And I'm just going to have to rewrite it all later. So might as well get it over with.

So the 555 words I did: those are good for rough draft.  I will make that a separate, very short pre-scene (maybe merge it later). But no going back and changing it anymore.

I'm going to go eat some lunch and think about other things.  And then try for 250 words on the next part of the scene.

UPDATE: Actually I wrote 233 words of the next scene already.  Don't know whether I can keep them.  Writing those is what forced me to go back and fix the previous scene and figure out what really happened.

So just need to make up the rest of the scene I had to redo.  And brain was playing with the idea of an actual clandestine meeting and what would force the two characters to keep their relationship a secret from the main antagonist. and what would also force them to not only keep it a secret but work to... [yeah i haven't figured out what exactly they are trying to do that would oppose main antagonist. ]

Clandestine meeting is keeping secrets from me too

Can't seem to get in the head of my next two antagonists.  They need to carry on a conversation while MC is hiding.  

* Conversation needs to be real (not an "as you know, bob" conversation).  

* They need to have a reason to meet in that room.  So location needs to be important for the conversation.  

* There needs to be a reason why they are meeting in secret. 

Why are they there?  What did they need to tell each other? 

What secrets would they naturally reveal?  And why is this a secret meeting?  What are they hiding from everyone else?

Why are they working together?

YUP, it's settled. I do not like reveal scenes.  they are clunky and it's hard to decide what should be revealed and what's natural and keep track of who knows what and who suspects what.

gah.  

yuck

250 words, 250 words.  I can do that at least, can't I?

Goals for today/ goals for my writing

Ok, so still thrilled about yesterday but I want to make sure that I am refocused for today.  I only have to do 250 words today.  That is all.  The only requirement is that it moves the story forward in some way (I can't go back and add sentences to previous scenes.  If I want to do that, it's only after I've finished my writing session with at least 250 new words).  So this is great.

And the latest I will be finished is February.

And I'm dying to know what that would be on book 2: 

Give myself 2 months to plan.  This is way over-generous considering I already know the plot, I just need my sign post list.  But I want to do a real HTTS preparation for it so I don't know how long that will take me. I think a month at the most.  

110,000 words,  250wds/day = 440 days.  250 words is about 2 paragraphs. I don't see why I need to allow any days off since I should always be able to get that and more.  If something comes up so that for whatever reason I can't write a couple paragraphs on a napkin [!!], well, 1 day off won't even be noticeable. (Or I should clarify that having the goal be 250 words/day IS the build in buffer for any missed days).

440 days / 30 = 14.6 months or 15 months.

15 months + 2 months  = 17 months or 1.5 years.

So book 1  is finished in February 2011

Book 2 preplanning is finished April 2011

Book 2 writing is finished July 2012.  Birthday month, Yay me. :)

I'm a little shocked that 250 words/day allows you to write a book in 1.5 years.  I thought it would be 3 years at least.  

So time to re-focus on today's work.  [ok, so why do I need the hyphen?  Does anyone have trouble with refocus?  I keep seeing people put hyphens EVERY time they use the 're' prefix]

anyway, I was talking about focusing on today's words.  So for today, I need 250 words, couple of paragraphs, that move the story forward.

1856 words today. new total: 75,875

made my 250 for today and then some. and really happy with the scene I got.  [I wrote a whole scene, yay].  And it should lead the reader slightly uneasily down the MC's path.  Sort of that nagging feeling that something isn't right.  And just so they don't feel like I haven't noticed, I have the minor MC saying "this ain't right... i just want to say "I told you so now" in case I don't have a chance to later".    Well it'll be interesting to see what my first reader makes of it later.  Hopefully I have the reader slightly off balance but feeling a little unsure about whether they should be.  

I'm just so happy that it worked out the way I had wanted so much. The minor antagonist and the MC both got something they really wanted. enough so that maybe MC and reader think, "well, maybe it's not what I think."  and the MC actually was used for the distraction that the antagonist needed.  His plan is more devious than I had even quite understood before.  and I like it.  and he even stays sort of ambiguous for future scenes too.  And I liked him. He's sort of debonair.  

Not sure whether I am handling the little bits of info about the plague very well though.  But it can be ironed out hopefully in future scenes.  or fixed up in revision.

what a very satisfying writing day.  

74,567 (and some book math)

Did some book math today.  Very depressing.
74,679 done out of 120000. Leaves 45321 250/day = 182 days = 6 months = Feb

(I don't really know about the 120 vs 100 but I am trying to plan for worst case scenario.)

My latest hypothesis is that I keep failing at my deadlines because I get so excited, try to rush it, end up making it too hard, and then I sabotage myself because there is no way I can succeed. 

Therefore, from this point until I am done, I will do 250 words/day.

This should be very easy to do.

UPDATE: just re-reading that... February?  no, say it ain't so!

Timer

I watched "Timer" today.  I mean, I actually watched it.  

Usually I am in writer brain: why did the author decide to do this and not that.  Why didn't they do this.  You know what would have been better... If only they'd just done this... at this point.  Wouldn't it have been cool if.

Nope, I didn't do any of that.  The storyline was unique-> to me.  I have no idea, maybe it's been done before but I haven't seen it.  I was so caught up in this take on fate and true love.  I knew how it would end but I really enjoyed the process the MC went through.

I recommend it. something a little different than every other movie I've seen. maybe you agree...?

Good antagonist plotting today

All day today at work I made progress. It's not that I don't work at work but there are minutes between things when I can think and plan and plot. And it went really well.

Very exciting.  So many holes left to fill.

And this is not like lightning news, it's duh news. But the key was letting my antagonist have the story line he needed not the one the story needed.  But once I figure out all this stuff and fill in all his holes, I can still save a lot of his scenes (or more accurately all of them, but I don't want to jinx it).

very nice benefit- a couple of the scenes that were affected by the changes: they were aspects that were bugging me already. not 3 alarm but just a quiet nagging that it didn't quite make sense.  And now they make more sense and they tie into the story better.

Now so many holes still left to fill but I only have a half hour tonight.  But I AM counting all the time I put in at work.  Solid, solid progress.  Yay

UPDATE: so only 15 mins left and NO i didn't get out my notebook. I futzed around looking at online stuff. curses the online stuff.  So 15 mins is enough time review what I have and thinks some more.  And onward.   I have my notebook and my pen out.  

yeah it's really not going well. but at least i'm here.

my antagonist is just too convenient.  and it doesn't make sense. not sure why i keep calling him antagonist. He's the deus ex machina that will solve everything.

Bah, double bah.  humbug

yeah, i'll face it. this is one of those times when i know i should be finding something else to do with my life. cause this ain't it.  just what else would i do.  

i force myself to be here only every so often.

it's supposed to be fun.  This story is supposed to be for me- only me.  So therefore what do I think the guy's motive is? and is he good or bad or undecided? 

so far, 650 throwaway words.  Trying to figure out antagonist's motives.  Not making any sense at all how he got there, why he did it in the first place. (I'm having him explain it to my protag.)  How annoying. This scene is just not going to work like this.

So how exciting is this?

I'm here, I showed up. It's only 7:20.

So the goal for today: Write the damn scene.
Make sure the antagonist's motive makes sense (why is he there, why does he help them, what's his plan pretty much)

But even if that doesn't make sense, just leave it and keep going.  He's there.  Run with it and figure it out later. 

Cause I want to be one scene closer to the end by the time today's writing session is over.

And it's 7:20pm which means I have some time to make it happen.

The Plan

Today I just want to dream about the future. And what it will be like to have the novel finished and the plot complete. The novel has surprised me so much already that I know there are many twists and turns waiting for me. And how will it be-how awesome—if they twist together in a whole form. An actual novel with a beginning, middle and end. Something to be proud of. Something I can polish until it shines. And something I can sell and actually have it be bought and published and put a nice hard cover with a spine around my words. What would that be like?

I have so many dreams about it. idealistic sure but they keep me going.

And what about this next scene. I have avoided writing. I have watched TV, I have done anything that didn’t involve sitting alone with the computer struggling with how to make it work and to figure out the all important WHY. Motives.

Motives have been hounding the end of my book.

It’s got such an odd shape, my book. Not sure whether it’s allowed. But the one people use seems so formulaic. Create an issue, allow them to solve it but the solving it makes everything worse. But everyone does that sort of escalating story. But my story is more of a journey and my MC is never in any danger. She’s just wandering around discovering things about the world and her past and her people. But she has nothing at stake, other than to stay hidden until the next book. So is the journey interesting to anyone else? and is it possible to add in the stakes later?

Are they required?

So back to dreaming… about being done and having space from what the story actually is, not from how it exists in my mind. Space enough to figure out what needs to be fixed, has to be fixed, and how to fix it.

So I guess it’s time to recommit to this again. to not be afraid to show up and stare at the blinking cursor. There is a story there and stories can be fixed. The rough draft can be horribly bad, it just needs to be finished.

So I’m recommitted so that I have something to show for all this work some day. So the math isn’t so good but that’s okay, math has never been my friend. I just need to start showing up more often. And somehow stay off the web at work. and stop re-reading how other people did it. I know how they did it—they showed up and they fought their way through it.

Ok, so until it’s done… I need to show up. every day. I need to post my intentions every day. even if it’s just in a journal entry, not on the blog. And I need to fight to meet those intentions every day.

So today I just have time to smack myself around for losing today to a TV festival. Not cool.

Tomorrow it’s time to focus again. Start writing a scene every day. or at least struggle with a scene every day.

So unti tomorrow... I can't wait to post tomorrow. And to actually give myself time to focus on the next scene. Always it should be about The Next Scene.

just 300 words but what a difference

You wouldn't think 304 words would be a big deal. 

So my solution to the acquaintance issue:  lower the risk so that he would choose to help them.  he now helps them with a chuckle. it's no big deal because all the good stuff is locked up. [PROBLEM SOLVED and SCENE]

now on to the other issue.  Where do they run into the minor antagonist and why does he help them?

i shall put that off for tomorrow.  

new word count is 74,019 

scenes to go: about 25

Protag has it way too easy... :(

I love Holly’s courses “How to revise your novel”/”How to think sideways”.  

My big complaint is I paid for the course but I still have to wait for them to be delivered: 1 lesson per week.  What a big gip.  I want them NOW, damn it.  I don’t get why they can’t just be unlocked... seriously.[!!]..

The courses are great.  I actually get more out of the revision course.  But then it might be because I've already done so much of the writing portion of the novel that I'm just not able to use that stuff yet.  Whereas the revision course is all about 'what to do with what you've got, now you've got it..."

I wish I was done writing.  

Antagonists are figured out finally.  I was able to use HTTS method for that.  Lesson 5 dots and lines.  My "me" doesn't get why it worked but it did... :)

So now I am dealing with all these handouts laid at my protag's doorstep in the next 2 scenes.  Not good. I don't want to write any of that stuff cause then I'll just have to edit out and replace later.

It's stalling the process so I need to figure it out.

Although it's nice.  my word count hasn't changed much [73,715] but ->story progress  over the past several months?  I'm still really happy with it.

antagonist: figured out

scenes to the end: sketched out

and HTRYN to make it matter to the reader once I'm done.  Reading the lessons (but not able to do any of it yet) has made me really hopeful.  Wonder if that will last once i'm actually trying to do it... can't wait.

Yah, so as i was saying, plotting problems... it's standing between me and moving my story forward.  :-(

The Motives...

The ending looms on the horizon.  And yes!  Only now am I figuring out where the antagonists stand. And there are way too many of them. rather too many groups of them.

And I don't get what they want. Other than they can't be on K's side cause then, why doesn't she just join forces and further contribute to her passive bystander role?

And they can't join forces together: the antagonists must have opposing goals. or else why wouldn't they tell each other "stuff" about who's who, etc. and then K is in jail. which I didn't want that way.  

So not sure how to resolve that bit yet. 

It'll be interesting once it's done to figure out how much is actually working vs. how much I just imagined was working vs. how much I thought wasn't working is actually just fine.

did any of it work??

Course I need to get another 30 to 40k before I get to have perspective on the thing. (I know, even then it's with author brain but it'll be a little more clued in then right now...)

In pieces that you leave behind

My friend's dad died today. Unexpected, of a heart attack.

It's so different the way you feel when they are slipping away from you slowly and when it is all of a sudden.

I didn't know him. But I'm so sad for my friend. And I'm so sad that someone can be taken without giving us a chance to say goodbye.

Death is so final.

My husband is very sang-frois about it. He said everyone goes. He is dealing with diabetes and he's so matter of fact about the fact that he expects to die young.

I guess it's good for me, given my deep fear of death. I don't accept the wall. I don't want to be stuck on one side while my husband is on the other.

I miss my grandfathers. But I notice I am more depressed aboutt the one that took his own life than the one that faded, gently away.

I miss my uncle that I lost when I was 13... how long was that? 23 years ago now. maybe 24. He had a stroke in a pool and drown. It was a shock that doesn't leave me.

I regret the grandfather that died before my father was even born. It's not fair that I never got to meet him, and know what he was like, and see the similarities between him and my dad. Which is nothing to the curiosity my dad must feel.

Why must we get such a limited time here? Why can't we know if it continues? Like Doubting Thomas got to know. I wish he would come fill us in too.

If that's too much to ask, just let me on the secret. Is it sleep and then black? Or do I wake up and get to see them all again. Maybe regret and sorrow is part of the lesson that makes us appreciate heaven more? Well it's a cruel test in my opinion.

Why don't I write anymore? Why do so many people think you shouldn't get paid to write?

well, it's all figured out. but no time spent writing in the changes or the new scene. truly deadlines are not my friend...

went fishing but no bites tonight...

Oh, big fat fail tonight. 570 words but mostly just brainstorming stuff.
I don't understand anyone's motivations. And if no one makes sense to be an obstacle then why is the scene even necessary?
OK, so how does she get behind the scenes? Because she asks for permission and he says yes.
oh, yippee. please can I have some more?

I could blame it on the heat wave or taking the time to go swimming... and i'm tired. but... oh how I wanted to be done this month. but there's no way to make it up. and that's all there is to it.

so i need to sleep tonight and hope that my muse ponders it and comes up with some sort of interesting twist. Or gives me the angle and hook into this scene so it grabs me... because I don't want to make a habit out of this. I will show up every day regardless. I'd just like some progress to show for it.

Pretty please

and I was so excited about my progress yesterday. Why can't I have two good writing days in a row?

GOAL MET: + 1552 NEW WORD COUNT: 71,493

The refocusing helped. I was able to hook into the next couple of scenes and some interesting things happened.  

yay!  1552 words.  Goal met!!   good writing day :)

Time to reach the end already!! 70,002-> headed to The End

April 15th... wow.  and now it's July 5th

Still no progress with the writing.

Although... the book is plotted out now (just completed that last night) but I can't seem to get interested in the actual writing.  There's no hook! that's what's missing.

I do like my last blog post though.  For fun, I would like to see how it all ends up.  Forget how much work revision will be and how depressing it will be if I have to rework everything.  Just focus on the fun of creating a whole new world.  

Why not??

And because I haven't met a deadline that hasn't ruined me yet... why not announce another one so I'll be sure not to meet it?  I just can't seem to help it.

So by the end of August, I need to write "The End" and mean it.  (Note: not that I won't have a few scenes to re-imagine because they spoil too much.)  But still, everything that's left in my outline from current point to the end needs to be done.

My current word count is 70,002.  I would like to add another 30,000 words (or around that...)

30,000 words divided by __ days  27+31 = 58 days -18 (weekends) = 40 days

750 words/day  

Starting today!!

[Wait! I just need to update this with... yah! I plotted out the book to the end. It's a real end! Something was actually accomplished in this book so maybe the reader won't feel like it was a waste of time.  So yah, I plotted out the rest of my book!!! My fingers should be flying right now, why aren't they?"]

And I made up The Sentence!  about 30 words.  so ! there you go, i am so close.  Now I need my 750 words for today!!!

(To finish this month, 27 days, is about 1200 words/day)

it's her story...

"It's a hobby. I'm supposed to be doing this for fun."

so sayeth my husband.
he is always right.
i need to get out of this dark cloud and start doing it for the right reasons: because i love it and it's fun and it's a story that didn't exist before. it's my MC's story. and i like her story. what a wonderful thing.

it was all a waste of time

wow, the depression is so deep and dark, an empty hole in my gut. no, a vacuum that's sucking my insides into it as though it is a black hole that i have stumbled into.

i received a critique on my sentence. a very harsh one- the person couldn't even give me a generic "interesting idea" or "nice" comment. and to make myself feel better i reread the story. i figured it would cheer me up cause i have something there. it's a story. but no, it is nothing. it's boring. how did that happen? it was a story. now it is boring scenes strung together with nothing of interest in any of them. it is complete deadness on the page. how did i not see it before? and what is the point of working on it if i'm not a writer.

i am not a writer. i might have a story in my head but it's not something i can get on the page. it will never be alive. it will never have the import and meaning and impact i thought it had. i will never be one of those writers.

and now what will i do with my life if i can't be a writer?

it's so shocking and so deadeningly depressing. i have nothing left.

Spagetti days...

...throwing ideas against the wall until something sticks...

In full-on brainstorming mode the past couple of days. I was on vacation last week and managed to move the story ahead but it has a giant hole... a giant important hole that effects the rest of the story. I toyed with putting in a sentence to fluff out later but it just wouldn't do.

It couldn't do. Too many ripples based on what I decide.

So I am deciding now. After two days: it's a glimmer of potential. that's all. It's the barest of sketches. not even that. It's hard to come up with this piece. But it's crucial. And if it's done right... wow. That would be awesome.

Not sure if it's possible but that's what always happens when I'm staring at the blank, non-yielding wall.

But I know the trick.

You show up.
You stare at your cursor.
You write anything and absolutely everything. You make no judgements.
Every so often you re-read because typically something sparks a new idea/a new direction.
Typos are amazing jumping off points. Keep everything. You never know what hides beneath.

Eventually something sticks. Something leaps you forward in a new and crazy direction where everything CLICKS and you think "why didn't I think of that before? It's so obvious!"

But it all starts with letting your hands type freely whatever comes to mind.
Oh, and showing up. Nothing happens if you don't show up. You stay stuck. I'm all for a break, a recharge period where you don't think about it and then when you show up again, it's suddenly clear. That definitely happens. But you have to balance it. Because I've found it happens so much faster when you show up too.

momentum and the little story that could

and here is my obligatory stuck post. Bored, bored, bored. I have no interest in this particular point in the storyline. It's not exciting, nothing is blowing up. But maybe readers will like it? How does one know? Most writers say you can't really tell how interesting something is until you've written it out and let it sit for awhile. But the thought of spending any more time in this moment of the story is blah. I have no interest in these characters whatsoever. which means the reader has even less than me.

since this is for me, i'll just blah on some more. I love the idea of being a writer. My sister said she thought I was meant to do it. It's so nice to have someone in my corner cause sometimes you just really need the encouragement.

but my writing, it's so stalled. if i was doing it full time-and real life didn't interfere-and I could keep my momentum-would I still be stalled?? am i meant to do this? it's such a rollercoaster. when the writing is happening it is walking on clouds; when it is bad, is depths of despair and knowing that you have wasted all of your time and you aren't fooling anyone, most of all yourself. i know it. i dream it. how does a writer keep writng the next sentence when they know it's crap.

so funny that it was not so long ago when i felt like i was building up confidence that i would make it through to the other side of any difficult scene. but these past few days, i don't feel that certainty anymore. i've been in this valley so long and the dark tunnel of these scenes i don't want to write, they storm me in. AND I JUST WANT TO SKIP. and i don't know how.

it's worked so far to just keep writing. the scenes have found their identity and i have been well pleased with them. but the current scene that i have dwelled on in despair for so long, i haven't found the hook yet. and the more time i spent avoiding it and knowing it's there and procrastinating more just pulls me further down into doubt.

i just want to pull myself out of it. and recapture that knowledge that this scene has an identity too. why aren't i finding it? what's holding me back from figuring out who these characters are and why i care about them and why they're here. it's like i'm tired. so close to the end and i'm giving up. and it's so worth the struggle. I say again cause I don't think I heard me before: IT'S SO WORTH THE STRUGGLE.

I should try again. This scene deserves it's time on the page.

The Paragraph

Once the idea came that I had to have one, it sucked up all of my writing time. And it's not a sentence, it's a paragraph. But it's a good start, a true start. I think--hope--I will have a better idea once the story is completed.

THE Sentence

Laptop died. I used the time to brainstorm. Now laptop is back and I have the sticky plot points figured. But something's wrong.

I added a note to self on previous scene of the piece that needs to be added.
I corrected the other/in-process scene.
but something's not right.

possibly it's just the time off. muse is still on holiday. not sure.
i'll try the 2 hour route. typically she gets bored enough to show up and contribute.

the issue still is that i'm not interested in the next few scenes. and i have no idea how to setup the next crucial scene. cause MC is not interested in playing along with the other girls' plan and she has to for next scene to happen. so there must be something else going on here.

also what is my sentence? i need to put time in to that.

i didn't actually think it would be this hard.

wow, that sentence could suck up a lot of my time. shelving for later...

Procrastination is not a good thing

So I have spent the morning doing everything on the computer but writing. Hmmm... how stuck am I? worse than I was before. The muse lightbulb that went off and moved my story forward has made things more complicated. And trying to fit it into plotline is giving me a headache.

Partly just not sure whether it's the right direction and I have no one to ask other than Inner Reader.

Ok, here it is. I like it, it's a good direction but not sure what to do next. It's very awkward right now too. Aha, characters aren't acting right so really my last scene needs a rewrite AND I need to figure out people's personalities so they aren't so one note. And I haven't done enough brainstorming on the new part yet. It needs to make more sense in the society before Muse can use it.

Here's to hoping that giving myself some assignments will allow some progress today.

Octavia took care of it for you...

"You don't start out writing good stuff.

You start out writing crap and thinking it's good stuff,

and then gradually you get better at it.

That's why I say one of the most valuable traits is persistence."

Octavia Butler

.

I read it quickly and at first it meant revision to me, maybe it does. I reread it slower and realized it was a response to my previous blog entry. Oh, the timing--it's bizzarre.

.

I still have this feeling there's something in my project. And I am nurturing that feeling. Otherwise, why am I even here? Sitting alone in a room with the gnashing of teeth and the pulling of hair. and the blood and sweat and tears.

.

I won't truly know whether it's crap until I set it loose on my first reader.

.

I know it sounds like I missed the point. She's saying that even though my book is crap, I should persist so I can get better. Still, if what I am writing right now IS actually crap then I feel so lost. Can my inner reader be so wrong?

.

"You start out writing crap and thinking it's good stuff"

.

She's one of my heroes. Her novels are filled with plot and character development. Currently my WIP is filled with plot... char dev I was going to enlarge upon in 2nd draft. I hope so much that I can edit it to a publishable story.

.

What if I'm not a writer? It's how I comfort myself that I don't fit in at work or with people in general, that I have gotten nowhere in my job. I'm just not doing what I was meant to do. But if writing's not it, what is left other than a gaping hole? It's why I cling so tenaciously. Sometimes I don't think I'll ever finish this thing. Sometimes I can't believe I'm almost there. And always there is this hope that when I reach the other side, I will be validated. I found My Calling. The answer to the question, "What do you want to do with your life?" And I can regret I hadn't taken the calling seriously earlier in life.

.

Although it does seem like what I'm writing now, I could not have written before. They were interesting starts but I thought it would jinx the story. I never thought the story through, or constructed a scene or built a world and culture. I just wrote the idea until it ran out of steam. I'm hoping that writing with the Inner Reader in mind at every scene is the difference. I hope I've found my personal magic key.

.

There are so many new writers like me, all looking for that thing that allows us to do this full time. So many mid-list authors who keep hoping the next one is the one that takes off. And everyone wondering why their book, their baby isn't the one that made it, that caught people's attention enough that they were willing to get in a bidding war over it. That readers were lining up around the block to get their hands on your baby so they could share in the world that you spent all that time living in, all those years of hard work.

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I guess other writers survive rejection, over and over and over and over.

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Only time will teach me that I can too.

Blog has let me down...

BAH to blog. I think it was auto-saving when I clicked save and I lost everything. EVERYTHING. [to be clear: it said there was a save conflict]. No, I'm not writing it over again. but it was awesomely boring just like always. but wah, I loves it anyway. It was my precious words and they is gone. boo.

So the gist of it is, I made progress. I succeeded at the scene. I have no energy to blah on about how awesomely happy I am right now. Once was enough. I'll spare you.

about 560 words.

...and once MC is outcasted the potential ripples are fantastic. poor little cheese girl.

...on the + side, I am now depressed about something silly. hopefully I will be able to sleep tonight instead of tossing and turning and dwelling on how awesome it will be to be done. and to have the book exist. cliff notes version: even in rough draft form, it's the story I imagined it to be with some nice, unexpected turns. it's not polished. horrible punctuation and grammer. mostly all tell/no show. but still, it's an actual story. and it's a dream come true.

UPDATE: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I can't help it. I know this is my first book and I've heard stories about the revision process and re-reading it and cowering and the horror of realizing that the book you thought you wrote is no longer there. It's been replaced by the most boring crap. I know, I know. But I am not listening. It serves no purpose other than to discourage me. So that's why I'm going to blah on about how immensely thrilled and proud I am. I'm over 67,000 words. It's an accomplishment. I can't help it and I can't hide it. If someone asks me later, "did you know how well it would do?" (say that happens and it actually does well), my answer would be "i don't know how anyone can put 3 or 4 years into something and not dream practically every day that it will be read and loved by everyone in the world." Maybe I'm not supposed to admit that but there it is. I'd just watch other people's stories if I didn't think this one was worth putting the effort in to. I can't help it. I want results, damn it. That's why I'm not veging on TV right now.

So from now on when I go all mush on how happy I am, just read into it all the typical disclaimers: Yes, I realize it's rough draft. Yes, I know I am a crap writer. No, I never expect to succeed at this. I'm just doing this for fun. blah, blah, blah. Cause this is my blog, I want to be proud of it. It's hard work. Every last bit of it. I'm pulling my hair out and gnashing my teeth and struggle, struggle, struggle. And I want it to be worth it. I can't help it.

UPDATE: Ha! Ctrl-A + Ctrl-C is your friend. Never will I ignore you again. :) (If I do, obviously it's my fault!)

...listening but Muse ain't talkin'

I'm in one of those stuck periods. It's happened a few times. I stew on it and finally it comes together and I have a scene. I struggle and then I put it away. And I get back to it. and just at some point something happens. It's figured out. So do I have to leave it alone for awhile or would I have a shorter fallow period... yes, no need to finish that question. obviously the more I actively struggle with it, the quicker I can come up with a solution. Going through these times in the past and coming out the other side has given me confidence that I will make it through this one as wwell.

And I feel the potential for a neat scene with these 4 characters. But what is it? What am I not thinking of? Bonus if I can outcast MC while I'm at it (or hint at it).
And bored with this transition- need to get these characters out of the NS. But how to do it?
The resistance is that this scene has not moved the plot forward. It is only valuable in that she met 2 characters (who will possibly be the bane of her existence later on) but they have not offered anything to my scene. So why have them in the scene? Why have this scene at all?

Easy answer: cause MC is here and I am trying to get her out of here and back to her room. And those characters are a great way to do it/WAY better than the previous version. But transition scenes do not make a scene. And Muse does not like to waste Inner Reader's time. So therefore what will turn this transition scene into an actual scene?


*******
I re-read the above and my Muse was attracted to:
"Neat scene with these 4 characters" [re-read this yet again and Muse is laughing (all right, I am sniggering too). "Uh, duh. Is that all you got? Do not approach me again with such trivial offerings. Sniff, sniff. Unfeeling Muse. grr.]
And also from yesterday:
heading "to" something...
demonstration..
rereading that little *world.

Now, how to pull it together?

Trying to brainstorm an answer...

Still stuck but in a good way. I'm feeling really contented with the progress I've made so far. 67K at last count. It boggles my mind. Oh well. I can't believe that I am stuck on something so easy. The emotion is so good, there's humor, slice of life, char development. but plot? What's that? Rather, where do I go next???????????????????????

i guess the multiple question marks aren't going to help. bah.

so i've got the four girls heading to something. but what and why do I care? Ok, so maybe i am not stuck in a good way!! definitely not. apparently stuck is stuck and it sucks.

hmmm- heading "to" something. My Muse perked right up while re-reading that little word.*** Is it too much to have something happen again? Some sort of demonstration of something. hmmm. it's worth considering. I'm just surprised I hadn't thought of that before. (***note: I typo'd world before. Is Muse trying to tell me something?)

I think my Muse is handicapped

So many writers can't tell a story once they've outlined it. pantsers. I am a plotter.
No, more complicated than that. I have a story for which I know every scene and exactly what will happen and I can't get interested in the story. My Muse has no room to be creative.

But my current story is a different thing entirely.

I know where I'm going vaguely. I know the end point. I know several key/wonderful scenes that take place on the way to that end point. My Muse has plenty of room to stretch her wings and play and throw all kinds of lovely things at me.

But I don't know the very next scene in the story. And right now my Muse is completely paralyzed. She doesn't know what to do and the story isn't moving forward. So, more and more, I am realizing that my Muse needs the brainstorm time to figure out what toys she gets to use in the scene. She throws things at me while I'm in brainstorming mode [wonderful exciting things and suddenly I'm just itching to write the next scene]. But then she also seems to keep some in reserve and she loves to surprise me with them as I'm writing. When both these things happen, it is the most wonderful feeling (other than I get so excited I lose sleep over how happy I am. Muse is very talkative when she's happy. She likes to dwell on how wonderful she's doing and on how great the book is going to be. All right/maybe that's me.)

So, duh, rather than forcing the scene forward, it's time to get into brainstorm mode again. Need to give Muse a chance to eavesdrop and decide which lovely things she wants to throw at me.


***
It scares me that I read that what works in one book, doesn't work in the next one. Will I need to relearn my Muse all over again?? I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.

And actually, just to give Muse a heads up, the already plotted story is next on the list. ack, well, begging the magesty's pardon, DUH, I thought I just crossed that bridge. Obviously, it is with Muse's permission that the plotted story will be next. I plan to work within my new understanding however and give her lots of room to play in that story. [hoping this appeasement works, plus the promise to let Muse play never hurts either].


UPDATE: 3:36pm: Do Muses pout? Is my Muse pouting? I blogged that I thought I had Muse figured out. And I was going to try and use this knowledge [secret key to the writing kingdom] with the other story (see the last bit above). Hahaha. Muse is on vacation somewhere, having a lovely time in Tahiti probably. No progress. At All. Serves me right. [NOTE: is it weird that I write "write" instead of "right" all the time... as in, "serves me write".]

I guess it's time to be productive and all that. I'll try again later and just leave my scene in the background churning away.

writers vs. non-writers

It's funny. Two very common questions that established pro-writers face are:
"Where do you get your ideas" and "When will the next [...] book be out?"

Does anyone else think that's slightly ironic? Like it's amazing the writer got the ideas they already had from the Muse-cloud-in-the-sky but yet the writer can snap their fingers and they have the next idea for whatever the reader wants to read next.

I guess that's why. The reader's conception is that coming up with ideas is easy. It's just handed to the writer [book complete and polished as it flows out of the magic pen] and therefore they really can snap their finger and come up with book 85. Therefore it is a disgrace that the writer chose to write a new book rather than keep snapping til they get the next awesome book in the series the reader already loves.

Writing's hard/coming up with ideas is hard. There is NO snapping of fingers.

Therefore the writer might be burned out on Series Y. Cut them some slack. Give the new book a chance. And let their muse rest so when they finally come up with an idea for book 85 in Series Y [through their blood, sweat AND tears], it will be fresh and interesting and take your beloved series in a whole new wonderful, amazing direction.

stuck, stuck, stuck...

stuck! i think i'm just bored. the imaginary reader in my head is bored too. gah.

well, anyway, i need to rewrite the last scene because my fresh eyes have noticed that no one is acting right. they would not just leave MC to find her own way. they'd take her personally. but it's just so boring! it's a repeat of the earlier leading of her by the other character and the hand off. snooze.

so instead. I will add some more characters to my previous scene. duh. why didn't I think of that before?? she needs to interact with other kids and it was weird that they didn't show up before.

unfortunately it does mean that I will have to pretty much rewrite yesterday's work (only about 200 words anyway). but it will make more sense and allow MC to see her friends again.

mystery solved and my flagging interest gets an upswing.. [there just ain't nothing to see/that i want her to see so 'no good' verdict was inevitable. Muse is SO smart sometimes! i should listen to her more often.]

In which my subconscious taps me on the head...

I feel so bad for my MC today.

What would you do if you knew you had a mental illness that progressed without your control/taking away who you are/leaving a different person?

Suddenly I've realized that I'm still dealing with losing my grandfather to Alzheimer's [my coping method, in general, is to not think about it]. Obviously my subconscious is dealing with it for me. I didn't realize how much what she is facing mirrors exactly what grandpa faced [this blindness, of course, is a side effect of my coping method].

She has better choices than grandpa had. She's not contemplating the choice that grampa made. Still this is why my scenes have gotten so real and dark. I don't know if it fits with the rest of the story. She's gone from not believing that she has it. To worrying that she has it and figuring out what is the right choice: running or turning herself in.

In the end, she can't pick either one. She has to stay and fight.

Actually that's the choice I wish grampa had made too.

[664 words]

Very distractable today...

Got into a FB debate today. What's frustrating is when there are multiple people arguing your side. So the other side throws in something completely off the wall and out of left field. And then your side, instead of disregarding that or saying duh you make no sense/that has nothing to do with anything. They totally fall for it, switch to the bogus argument and take up arms against that. Hello, back on topic, people. That had nothing to do with it... gah... we were winning/we were winning. sleight of hand and now we are defending something that can't be defended. grr. sigh. I brought it back around but I dunno, maybe it was just me who thinks we won. [cause I am right! and the other side was totally wrong!!]


...Quarter of Nine???...

waaahhh. damn FB. I curse you. I wish I'd never met you.

holey butt moley, progress

progress at last. progress. about 900 words (a few are annotations)

yay, yay, yay.

interesting things happened. plot moved forward. learned something new. can't wait for tomorrow when I must stare at cursor more cause it worked.

yay

kick me in the shins

Oh, woe is my poor deadline. poor little dead thing.

time to be a professional. time to show up and apply butt to chair. ...no, no. i have not made progress. not at all. i have not even sat and stared at my blinking cursor like a good little pretend writer.

all right, I suppose it's time to stop stalling tonight too...

UPDATE: suddenly irresistable urge to update FB and to brush cat's hair. gah. i am terrible. (i did NOT resist the urge to update FB. So far, [hollow/surely temporary victory] I have not gotten out the cat brush.)

UPDATE: ...and the cat brush distraction won. now, time to focus.

in which i am a mean, mean person

Enough said.

Ok, have to write this scene in a satisfactory way. need to get at least a 1000 more words done. Need to figure out whether to add in the detour or not. Hmmm. writing is all about decisions. I never really "got" that before. I thought the story just happened and you took the notes. Not so much, actually.

to fight another day

well that did not go smoothly. The scene is just wrong: tone, execution, dialogue. whatever, "wrong" sums it up.

tomorrow will be better? I hope so.

My fear is that whenever I set a deadline, maybe I actually fail on purpose. And this deadline is really important to me.

On the bright side, at some point I will look back at this scene and actually like the scene and how it turned out and what happened in it. It sounds weird. Right now I am not interested in this scene, or rather the sentence by sentence process of moving the plot forward through this scene. I don't want to bother. But I love my MC: "She shook her head, wiped the back of her hand across her leaky, betraying eyes, and sniffed loudly." She's such a cute little endearing kid. I just want to give her a big hug.

Oh, I'm so off/out of sorts today. wah

This is totally messing up my work time. I cannot focus. I cannot get myself interested in imagining my scene. I can't lose a day. That will not be good. that will totally mess with the bottom line and the time line and the due date.

Oops- forgot my word count update: 65K

I am now over 65K. This is ABSOLUTELY pathetic. It is like a month to get about 5000 words. tsk. tsk. And that's all I have to say about that.

Moving on, wonderful, wonderful. I have a lot to write tonight. I need to get right into it so I can finish up in time to watch my show. (bad, gabby, bad) but it's a tradition with the hubby and I don't want to skip it.

So anyway, time to write my 2nd bonus scene. It'd be good if I can write 2 scenes in just under 2 hours. I'll keep you updated... LOL, like you can get me to shut up about it. [moving forward, moving forward... woot]

And the countdown gets hard to do...

18 again but 1 less to do than before... LOL

Finished the bonus NS scene. But because it was bonus. I still have 18 planned scenes to write. I'm so proud of myself right now. And a little Muse fried now. And this scene has spawned a mini bonus scene. so again tomorrow the countdown won't be doing much. But, progress progress progress.

Countdown: 18 to go (and a bonus scene created)

I finished my scene. To give myself a cushion, I need to write the next one tonight. I was able to expand the scene and it is much better now, makes more sense and is over a 1000 words. And bonusy good news: it has spun off a bonus scene. Yay.

And onward with the scene. Time to dive into the NS bonus scene.

UPDATE: and to be upfront about it: Above was just an expansion of a scene. Only 372 new words. Freaking awesome, moving-forward-the-plot words. but only 372. not many at all. No reason I can't write another scene, it's not like the muse can claim she's tired. LOL.

UPDATE: and I wanted to say it before, so I'll say it now to just get it off my chest and move on. This story is the exploration of my theory that stories with plot get published. Stories that actually do things rather than sit there choked with backstory and characters talking at each other about the 1 sentence of plot that's happened in the past 20 pages are the ones that sell. At least those are the ones that I like to read. So I'll see if my theory is correct. I'm going to polish it the best I can too, of course. I can't wait to find out whether I'm right.

Counting my chickens... can't help myself :)

so with my 19 scenes (that I think will balloon out to more... although can they become twice that??... I guess I'll see). Anyway, with those 19 scenes, I started to work on the first one yesterday. I only got about 250 words. I was having trouble diving into the scene. Hopefully it was just because I was tired and my Muse was tired (and unfocused due to being in brainstorm/plotting mode). So today I try again.

and to write it out, the deadline to finish the story is March 28th (when I go on vacation). That gives me a month to write 30 scenes/30,000 words. 1000 wds/day. Hopefully!!! hopefully, hopefully I can start writing 1500-2000 a day and give myself a cushion for the days when I can't write at all. It'll be like a mini-Nano.

And imagine it! An actual finished novel at the end of it. A novel that I actually like. That I don't have to say "what the heck am I going to do with this other then hide it in my locked desk drawer or use it is as a doorstop?" Because the story is completely fine. It is not written well but there is tons and tons of plot and things happening. How can that not be saved? How can I not sell that? Now, that's not to say when I write the end of the actual series that I will still be able to say that. But right now, I am totally jinxing myself and saying it where no one is going to see it anyway. And I am going to dance around... cause I have a very promising rough, rough draft in process. Woo-hoo to me.

I'm going to go make myself a mug of hot tea and get lost in story again. Because this scene needs to be saved instead of rushed through. I need to make it flow and picture the actual scene and make it a worthwhile scene. And I need to do it today. Maybe even get two in today.

I'm so excited, Can you tell???

Outlining (status)

Figured out I have about 30-35 scenes left to write in Book 1. So far I plotted out 15 scenes (some may take more than 1 scene to write). I'd like to figure out 15 more events so that I have a nice cushion anyway. Yay, so happy I decided to do this. Now what 15 other things can I do to my MC...?

and my END is figured out--how absolutely cool is that? so far, I only had series end and vague idea of how I would leave it off. now I actually have an event. YAY.

UPDATE: Still struggling. No new scenes yet. I figured out what I was missing. I need 15 scenes where things go from bad to worse until she is the cheese [...cheese stands alone...]. time to ponder on what she can mess up.

UPDATE: plotting is freakin' hard. I can not think of what evil things to do with my character. So far, they're all stuff that should happen later.

UPDATE: WELL, on the BRIGHT side, I have come up with all kinds of neaty scenes for Book 2 that I cannot wait to write. Starting to think I need to start writing my existing scenes (remaining scenes for bk 1). because they are bound to grow and suggest more.

UPDATE: And I now have about 19 (give or take, some may be too short, some may grow to 2-3 scenes once the events and consequences are written). Still need another 5 -8 at least.

Updated count: 63K or so

now I'm at 63K (or slightly more). It's taken me a long time to get here. I've been doing a lot of Facebook and reading other people's blogs. Instead of struggling with story.

But anyway it's neat (and boring) to look back at the old posts. I'm struggling a lot in the middle of the story. Every sentence is a struggle [every single one]. It's partly hating that it's an ugly sentence and partly that I don't know if it's the right direction. Or that the direction is boring. Still need to find a place where I can age my characters about 10 years. It might be the end of this book. I think that's the problem. I need to outline and figure out where this book is going for the next 30-40K so that it will accomplish something and give a pause to the reader and leave open all the stuff that's yet to come. Then I will know I am writing toward something and stop worrying about how young my characters are and when am I going to be able to age them. Will a reader hate that they missed the intervening years? [me asking self]. I think it will be a good thing. And can I manage to end the book as stand alone with all those things that were hinted at? I have to.

This might be just what I needed. Thank you blog. As usual you gave me the space to figure out exactly what was blocking me. So today is outline time.