turbulent waters

Life has gotten so turbulent, crazy and uneven. Not unhappy but stressful.
I'm at a major crossroad and I don't know the right decision. I know what I want most of all. I know what I should pick. I know the stupid choice. I know the sane choice. It hasn't helped me make the right decision.
If you can smooth the way for me, make it easy; make it so no one gets hurt, I would really appreciate it.
Miss you. Love you. I can't say I love you. I don't know that I love you, but yet, I want to say it. I want to be part of you forever and ever. I want to forget the consequences and just be with you. I want to be in your world.
It's only memories that draw me to you, make me think that you are a good choice for me. It is clear you are not but I just want you anyway. It's the first time I've ever felt so accepted by another human. It's how I felt all those years ago and you barely remembered me, so many years later. But now you remember me. And I want you forever, forever and ever. I want to never have to leave you again because I could be so good for you. And maybe, you could be good for me too.

freedom to write

Okay, this is nice. I'd forgotten- I'm free here. I can write as much as I want. No one can get annoyed or stop me because no one visits. :D

Ahh, the freedom.

Anywho... that's it.

So exciting- had to tell my sis to wait two hours because I am writing right now!
Put my phone on Do Not Disturb.

I will conquer this thing, the inertia. I will make myself worthy. I am a writer, professional author.
Time to start acting like one. Time to get excited, get things published, be who I was made to be.

Be worthy of it.

Miss you

Even without publishing anything, my stories made 3k this year. That's pretty awesome. The effort is done, but yet the earnings continue. :)

I'm really so happy and grateful about that.

None of my plans for my writing worked out this year. However, I am at a pretty great job with lots of opportunity, that barely sucks, and I feel so lucky. Finally, life doesn't suck; it's not torture. It just is what it is.

On the downside, I'm not writing. Sporadically, yes, but most of the time, I do something else. I'm trying a new thing where my first assignment each day is to write. Which means, today, I am getting in my 2 hours.

[Also, two hours is all I need to do. No more trying to put in eight hours. Two hours is plenty. Then I go on to do other things.] Maybe I will show up every day if I keep the commitment limited and reasonable.

I feel like there was something else I was going to say?  Oh yeah, writing this genre is not for me. Oh, do I hate it. I just need to do it anyway though. Suck it up. I will get to write my favorite genre next.

Assignments for today:
Sort of boring to write this here.... Spend 2 hours working on the project, one foot in front of the other. Just get the thing done.


And yes, the miss you reference is a whole different thing. It's just a marker for a cryptic struggle that I am going through. It torments me in misery. I can't stop thinking about it.

I'm sure the first he will hear of it, he will be so confused. Because I will start at the end and he will have no idea how it started. Or how much it took to get here.

Trying again.

LOL- apparently, I want to try this again.

Okay, #3 is done. Working on #4 now. Time to focus.
Stop thinking about the past. The future is bright and shiny.

Life reboot

Okay, I need a life timeout and a reboot. Life has been hard, yo!

Anyway, depression has kicked me in the ass with no discernible cause. I'm tired all the time (which could also be diet). But I'm too depressed to cook. It's a vicious cycle I'm too tired to fight.

One thing I can fight is focus on the writing. Even if I don't feel like it, get the words in.

Goals for the day:

• Get my notes synched up from various sources. DONE
• Complete the outline. Just close enough. Just DO IT!

Also, I really need to be okay with being alone in the writing and life journey. Stop trying to find validation. I am a square peg and all I find are round holes.

That's okay, life goes on. I want to hit publish again so much. I want that validation.

I'll update as I go through the day...

More of the same

It's weird. No, it's sad. I am such a waste of space. So depressed.

Can I have a do-over?

Well, it's clear: I'm pretending to it but it isn't true, despite the signs. They are lies and I need to move on, pull back, live my life.

Now--> on to the story that just won't end or die.

I need to stop letting perfectionism get in my way. I need to show up every day and just get through the scenes until they're done.

They can totally suck. Isn't that the lesson I always try to remember?

***
Let me see where I am- I'm at the end of the 1st third. We've taken off for adventure. Time to go

pushing on

I need to clear my head. Life is rough. I really want to get everything to a good place again.
This means pushing through to the end, even if I don't feel like it.

There are a few things I'd rather be doing right now, which is why I'm getting the cravings to do something else.

Let me shut all that down now. Focus on getting onto the new things.