it's her story...

"It's a hobby. I'm supposed to be doing this for fun."

so sayeth my husband.
he is always right.
i need to get out of this dark cloud and start doing it for the right reasons: because i love it and it's fun and it's a story that didn't exist before. it's my MC's story. and i like her story. what a wonderful thing.

it was all a waste of time

wow, the depression is so deep and dark, an empty hole in my gut. no, a vacuum that's sucking my insides into it as though it is a black hole that i have stumbled into.

i received a critique on my sentence. a very harsh one- the person couldn't even give me a generic "interesting idea" or "nice" comment. and to make myself feel better i reread the story. i figured it would cheer me up cause i have something there. it's a story. but no, it is nothing. it's boring. how did that happen? it was a story. now it is boring scenes strung together with nothing of interest in any of them. it is complete deadness on the page. how did i not see it before? and what is the point of working on it if i'm not a writer.

i am not a writer. i might have a story in my head but it's not something i can get on the page. it will never be alive. it will never have the import and meaning and impact i thought it had. i will never be one of those writers.

and now what will i do with my life if i can't be a writer?

it's so shocking and so deadeningly depressing. i have nothing left.

Spagetti days...

...throwing ideas against the wall until something sticks...

In full-on brainstorming mode the past couple of days. I was on vacation last week and managed to move the story ahead but it has a giant hole... a giant important hole that effects the rest of the story. I toyed with putting in a sentence to fluff out later but it just wouldn't do.

It couldn't do. Too many ripples based on what I decide.

So I am deciding now. After two days: it's a glimmer of potential. that's all. It's the barest of sketches. not even that. It's hard to come up with this piece. But it's crucial. And if it's done right... wow. That would be awesome.

Not sure if it's possible but that's what always happens when I'm staring at the blank, non-yielding wall.

But I know the trick.

You show up.
You stare at your cursor.
You write anything and absolutely everything. You make no judgements.
Every so often you re-read because typically something sparks a new idea/a new direction.
Typos are amazing jumping off points. Keep everything. You never know what hides beneath.

Eventually something sticks. Something leaps you forward in a new and crazy direction where everything CLICKS and you think "why didn't I think of that before? It's so obvious!"

But it all starts with letting your hands type freely whatever comes to mind.
Oh, and showing up. Nothing happens if you don't show up. You stay stuck. I'm all for a break, a recharge period where you don't think about it and then when you show up again, it's suddenly clear. That definitely happens. But you have to balance it. Because I've found it happens so much faster when you show up too.