momentum and the little story that could

and here is my obligatory stuck post. Bored, bored, bored. I have no interest in this particular point in the storyline. It's not exciting, nothing is blowing up. But maybe readers will like it? How does one know? Most writers say you can't really tell how interesting something is until you've written it out and let it sit for awhile. But the thought of spending any more time in this moment of the story is blah. I have no interest in these characters whatsoever. which means the reader has even less than me.

since this is for me, i'll just blah on some more. I love the idea of being a writer. My sister said she thought I was meant to do it. It's so nice to have someone in my corner cause sometimes you just really need the encouragement.

but my writing, it's so stalled. if i was doing it full time-and real life didn't interfere-and I could keep my momentum-would I still be stalled?? am i meant to do this? it's such a rollercoaster. when the writing is happening it is walking on clouds; when it is bad, is depths of despair and knowing that you have wasted all of your time and you aren't fooling anyone, most of all yourself. i know it. i dream it. how does a writer keep writng the next sentence when they know it's crap.

so funny that it was not so long ago when i felt like i was building up confidence that i would make it through to the other side of any difficult scene. but these past few days, i don't feel that certainty anymore. i've been in this valley so long and the dark tunnel of these scenes i don't want to write, they storm me in. AND I JUST WANT TO SKIP. and i don't know how.

it's worked so far to just keep writing. the scenes have found their identity and i have been well pleased with them. but the current scene that i have dwelled on in despair for so long, i haven't found the hook yet. and the more time i spent avoiding it and knowing it's there and procrastinating more just pulls me further down into doubt.

i just want to pull myself out of it. and recapture that knowledge that this scene has an identity too. why aren't i finding it? what's holding me back from figuring out who these characters are and why i care about them and why they're here. it's like i'm tired. so close to the end and i'm giving up. and it's so worth the struggle. I say again cause I don't think I heard me before: IT'S SO WORTH THE STRUGGLE.

I should try again. This scene deserves it's time on the page.

The Paragraph

Once the idea came that I had to have one, it sucked up all of my writing time. And it's not a sentence, it's a paragraph. But it's a good start, a true start. I think--hope--I will have a better idea once the story is completed.

THE Sentence

Laptop died. I used the time to brainstorm. Now laptop is back and I have the sticky plot points figured. But something's wrong.

I added a note to self on previous scene of the piece that needs to be added.
I corrected the other/in-process scene.
but something's not right.

possibly it's just the time off. muse is still on holiday. not sure.
i'll try the 2 hour route. typically she gets bored enough to show up and contribute.

the issue still is that i'm not interested in the next few scenes. and i have no idea how to setup the next crucial scene. cause MC is not interested in playing along with the other girls' plan and she has to for next scene to happen. so there must be something else going on here.

also what is my sentence? i need to put time in to that.

i didn't actually think it would be this hard.

wow, that sentence could suck up a lot of my time. shelving for later...

Procrastination is not a good thing

So I have spent the morning doing everything on the computer but writing. Hmmm... how stuck am I? worse than I was before. The muse lightbulb that went off and moved my story forward has made things more complicated. And trying to fit it into plotline is giving me a headache.

Partly just not sure whether it's the right direction and I have no one to ask other than Inner Reader.

Ok, here it is. I like it, it's a good direction but not sure what to do next. It's very awkward right now too. Aha, characters aren't acting right so really my last scene needs a rewrite AND I need to figure out people's personalities so they aren't so one note. And I haven't done enough brainstorming on the new part yet. It needs to make more sense in the society before Muse can use it.

Here's to hoping that giving myself some assignments will allow some progress today.

Octavia took care of it for you...

"You don't start out writing good stuff.

You start out writing crap and thinking it's good stuff,

and then gradually you get better at it.

That's why I say one of the most valuable traits is persistence."

Octavia Butler

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I read it quickly and at first it meant revision to me, maybe it does. I reread it slower and realized it was a response to my previous blog entry. Oh, the timing--it's bizzarre.

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I still have this feeling there's something in my project. And I am nurturing that feeling. Otherwise, why am I even here? Sitting alone in a room with the gnashing of teeth and the pulling of hair. and the blood and sweat and tears.

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I won't truly know whether it's crap until I set it loose on my first reader.

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I know it sounds like I missed the point. She's saying that even though my book is crap, I should persist so I can get better. Still, if what I am writing right now IS actually crap then I feel so lost. Can my inner reader be so wrong?

.

"You start out writing crap and thinking it's good stuff"

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She's one of my heroes. Her novels are filled with plot and character development. Currently my WIP is filled with plot... char dev I was going to enlarge upon in 2nd draft. I hope so much that I can edit it to a publishable story.

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What if I'm not a writer? It's how I comfort myself that I don't fit in at work or with people in general, that I have gotten nowhere in my job. I'm just not doing what I was meant to do. But if writing's not it, what is left other than a gaping hole? It's why I cling so tenaciously. Sometimes I don't think I'll ever finish this thing. Sometimes I can't believe I'm almost there. And always there is this hope that when I reach the other side, I will be validated. I found My Calling. The answer to the question, "What do you want to do with your life?" And I can regret I hadn't taken the calling seriously earlier in life.

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Although it does seem like what I'm writing now, I could not have written before. They were interesting starts but I thought it would jinx the story. I never thought the story through, or constructed a scene or built a world and culture. I just wrote the idea until it ran out of steam. I'm hoping that writing with the Inner Reader in mind at every scene is the difference. I hope I've found my personal magic key.

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There are so many new writers like me, all looking for that thing that allows us to do this full time. So many mid-list authors who keep hoping the next one is the one that takes off. And everyone wondering why their book, their baby isn't the one that made it, that caught people's attention enough that they were willing to get in a bidding war over it. That readers were lining up around the block to get their hands on your baby so they could share in the world that you spent all that time living in, all those years of hard work.

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I guess other writers survive rejection, over and over and over and over.

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Only time will teach me that I can too.

Blog has let me down...

BAH to blog. I think it was auto-saving when I clicked save and I lost everything. EVERYTHING. [to be clear: it said there was a save conflict]. No, I'm not writing it over again. but it was awesomely boring just like always. but wah, I loves it anyway. It was my precious words and they is gone. boo.

So the gist of it is, I made progress. I succeeded at the scene. I have no energy to blah on about how awesomely happy I am right now. Once was enough. I'll spare you.

about 560 words.

...and once MC is outcasted the potential ripples are fantastic. poor little cheese girl.

...on the + side, I am now depressed about something silly. hopefully I will be able to sleep tonight instead of tossing and turning and dwelling on how awesome it will be to be done. and to have the book exist. cliff notes version: even in rough draft form, it's the story I imagined it to be with some nice, unexpected turns. it's not polished. horrible punctuation and grammer. mostly all tell/no show. but still, it's an actual story. and it's a dream come true.

UPDATE: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I can't help it. I know this is my first book and I've heard stories about the revision process and re-reading it and cowering and the horror of realizing that the book you thought you wrote is no longer there. It's been replaced by the most boring crap. I know, I know. But I am not listening. It serves no purpose other than to discourage me. So that's why I'm going to blah on about how immensely thrilled and proud I am. I'm over 67,000 words. It's an accomplishment. I can't help it and I can't hide it. If someone asks me later, "did you know how well it would do?" (say that happens and it actually does well), my answer would be "i don't know how anyone can put 3 or 4 years into something and not dream practically every day that it will be read and loved by everyone in the world." Maybe I'm not supposed to admit that but there it is. I'd just watch other people's stories if I didn't think this one was worth putting the effort in to. I can't help it. I want results, damn it. That's why I'm not veging on TV right now.

So from now on when I go all mush on how happy I am, just read into it all the typical disclaimers: Yes, I realize it's rough draft. Yes, I know I am a crap writer. No, I never expect to succeed at this. I'm just doing this for fun. blah, blah, blah. Cause this is my blog, I want to be proud of it. It's hard work. Every last bit of it. I'm pulling my hair out and gnashing my teeth and struggle, struggle, struggle. And I want it to be worth it. I can't help it.

UPDATE: Ha! Ctrl-A + Ctrl-C is your friend. Never will I ignore you again. :) (If I do, obviously it's my fault!)

...listening but Muse ain't talkin'

I'm in one of those stuck periods. It's happened a few times. I stew on it and finally it comes together and I have a scene. I struggle and then I put it away. And I get back to it. and just at some point something happens. It's figured out. So do I have to leave it alone for awhile or would I have a shorter fallow period... yes, no need to finish that question. obviously the more I actively struggle with it, the quicker I can come up with a solution. Going through these times in the past and coming out the other side has given me confidence that I will make it through this one as wwell.

And I feel the potential for a neat scene with these 4 characters. But what is it? What am I not thinking of? Bonus if I can outcast MC while I'm at it (or hint at it).
And bored with this transition- need to get these characters out of the NS. But how to do it?
The resistance is that this scene has not moved the plot forward. It is only valuable in that she met 2 characters (who will possibly be the bane of her existence later on) but they have not offered anything to my scene. So why have them in the scene? Why have this scene at all?

Easy answer: cause MC is here and I am trying to get her out of here and back to her room. And those characters are a great way to do it/WAY better than the previous version. But transition scenes do not make a scene. And Muse does not like to waste Inner Reader's time. So therefore what will turn this transition scene into an actual scene?


*******
I re-read the above and my Muse was attracted to:
"Neat scene with these 4 characters" [re-read this yet again and Muse is laughing (all right, I am sniggering too). "Uh, duh. Is that all you got? Do not approach me again with such trivial offerings. Sniff, sniff. Unfeeling Muse. grr.]
And also from yesterday:
heading "to" something...
demonstration..
rereading that little *world.

Now, how to pull it together?

Trying to brainstorm an answer...

Still stuck but in a good way. I'm feeling really contented with the progress I've made so far. 67K at last count. It boggles my mind. Oh well. I can't believe that I am stuck on something so easy. The emotion is so good, there's humor, slice of life, char development. but plot? What's that? Rather, where do I go next???????????????????????

i guess the multiple question marks aren't going to help. bah.

so i've got the four girls heading to something. but what and why do I care? Ok, so maybe i am not stuck in a good way!! definitely not. apparently stuck is stuck and it sucks.

hmmm- heading "to" something. My Muse perked right up while re-reading that little word.*** Is it too much to have something happen again? Some sort of demonstration of something. hmmm. it's worth considering. I'm just surprised I hadn't thought of that before. (***note: I typo'd world before. Is Muse trying to tell me something?)

I think my Muse is handicapped

So many writers can't tell a story once they've outlined it. pantsers. I am a plotter.
No, more complicated than that. I have a story for which I know every scene and exactly what will happen and I can't get interested in the story. My Muse has no room to be creative.

But my current story is a different thing entirely.

I know where I'm going vaguely. I know the end point. I know several key/wonderful scenes that take place on the way to that end point. My Muse has plenty of room to stretch her wings and play and throw all kinds of lovely things at me.

But I don't know the very next scene in the story. And right now my Muse is completely paralyzed. She doesn't know what to do and the story isn't moving forward. So, more and more, I am realizing that my Muse needs the brainstorm time to figure out what toys she gets to use in the scene. She throws things at me while I'm in brainstorming mode [wonderful exciting things and suddenly I'm just itching to write the next scene]. But then she also seems to keep some in reserve and she loves to surprise me with them as I'm writing. When both these things happen, it is the most wonderful feeling (other than I get so excited I lose sleep over how happy I am. Muse is very talkative when she's happy. She likes to dwell on how wonderful she's doing and on how great the book is going to be. All right/maybe that's me.)

So, duh, rather than forcing the scene forward, it's time to get into brainstorm mode again. Need to give Muse a chance to eavesdrop and decide which lovely things she wants to throw at me.


***
It scares me that I read that what works in one book, doesn't work in the next one. Will I need to relearn my Muse all over again?? I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.

And actually, just to give Muse a heads up, the already plotted story is next on the list. ack, well, begging the magesty's pardon, DUH, I thought I just crossed that bridge. Obviously, it is with Muse's permission that the plotted story will be next. I plan to work within my new understanding however and give her lots of room to play in that story. [hoping this appeasement works, plus the promise to let Muse play never hurts either].


UPDATE: 3:36pm: Do Muses pout? Is my Muse pouting? I blogged that I thought I had Muse figured out. And I was going to try and use this knowledge [secret key to the writing kingdom] with the other story (see the last bit above). Hahaha. Muse is on vacation somewhere, having a lovely time in Tahiti probably. No progress. At All. Serves me right. [NOTE: is it weird that I write "write" instead of "right" all the time... as in, "serves me write".]

I guess it's time to be productive and all that. I'll try again later and just leave my scene in the background churning away.

writers vs. non-writers

It's funny. Two very common questions that established pro-writers face are:
"Where do you get your ideas" and "When will the next [...] book be out?"

Does anyone else think that's slightly ironic? Like it's amazing the writer got the ideas they already had from the Muse-cloud-in-the-sky but yet the writer can snap their fingers and they have the next idea for whatever the reader wants to read next.

I guess that's why. The reader's conception is that coming up with ideas is easy. It's just handed to the writer [book complete and polished as it flows out of the magic pen] and therefore they really can snap their finger and come up with book 85. Therefore it is a disgrace that the writer chose to write a new book rather than keep snapping til they get the next awesome book in the series the reader already loves.

Writing's hard/coming up with ideas is hard. There is NO snapping of fingers.

Therefore the writer might be burned out on Series Y. Cut them some slack. Give the new book a chance. And let their muse rest so when they finally come up with an idea for book 85 in Series Y [through their blood, sweat AND tears], it will be fresh and interesting and take your beloved series in a whole new wonderful, amazing direction.

stuck, stuck, stuck...

stuck! i think i'm just bored. the imaginary reader in my head is bored too. gah.

well, anyway, i need to rewrite the last scene because my fresh eyes have noticed that no one is acting right. they would not just leave MC to find her own way. they'd take her personally. but it's just so boring! it's a repeat of the earlier leading of her by the other character and the hand off. snooze.

so instead. I will add some more characters to my previous scene. duh. why didn't I think of that before?? she needs to interact with other kids and it was weird that they didn't show up before.

unfortunately it does mean that I will have to pretty much rewrite yesterday's work (only about 200 words anyway). but it will make more sense and allow MC to see her friends again.

mystery solved and my flagging interest gets an upswing.. [there just ain't nothing to see/that i want her to see so 'no good' verdict was inevitable. Muse is SO smart sometimes! i should listen to her more often.]

In which my subconscious taps me on the head...

I feel so bad for my MC today.

What would you do if you knew you had a mental illness that progressed without your control/taking away who you are/leaving a different person?

Suddenly I've realized that I'm still dealing with losing my grandfather to Alzheimer's [my coping method, in general, is to not think about it]. Obviously my subconscious is dealing with it for me. I didn't realize how much what she is facing mirrors exactly what grandpa faced [this blindness, of course, is a side effect of my coping method].

She has better choices than grandpa had. She's not contemplating the choice that grampa made. Still this is why my scenes have gotten so real and dark. I don't know if it fits with the rest of the story. She's gone from not believing that she has it. To worrying that she has it and figuring out what is the right choice: running or turning herself in.

In the end, she can't pick either one. She has to stay and fight.

Actually that's the choice I wish grampa had made too.

[664 words]

Very distractable today...

Got into a FB debate today. What's frustrating is when there are multiple people arguing your side. So the other side throws in something completely off the wall and out of left field. And then your side, instead of disregarding that or saying duh you make no sense/that has nothing to do with anything. They totally fall for it, switch to the bogus argument and take up arms against that. Hello, back on topic, people. That had nothing to do with it... gah... we were winning/we were winning. sleight of hand and now we are defending something that can't be defended. grr. sigh. I brought it back around but I dunno, maybe it was just me who thinks we won. [cause I am right! and the other side was totally wrong!!]


...Quarter of Nine???...

waaahhh. damn FB. I curse you. I wish I'd never met you.

holey butt moley, progress

progress at last. progress. about 900 words (a few are annotations)

yay, yay, yay.

interesting things happened. plot moved forward. learned something new. can't wait for tomorrow when I must stare at cursor more cause it worked.

yay

kick me in the shins

Oh, woe is my poor deadline. poor little dead thing.

time to be a professional. time to show up and apply butt to chair. ...no, no. i have not made progress. not at all. i have not even sat and stared at my blinking cursor like a good little pretend writer.

all right, I suppose it's time to stop stalling tonight too...

UPDATE: suddenly irresistable urge to update FB and to brush cat's hair. gah. i am terrible. (i did NOT resist the urge to update FB. So far, [hollow/surely temporary victory] I have not gotten out the cat brush.)

UPDATE: ...and the cat brush distraction won. now, time to focus.

in which i am a mean, mean person

Enough said.

Ok, have to write this scene in a satisfactory way. need to get at least a 1000 more words done. Need to figure out whether to add in the detour or not. Hmmm. writing is all about decisions. I never really "got" that before. I thought the story just happened and you took the notes. Not so much, actually.

to fight another day

well that did not go smoothly. The scene is just wrong: tone, execution, dialogue. whatever, "wrong" sums it up.

tomorrow will be better? I hope so.

My fear is that whenever I set a deadline, maybe I actually fail on purpose. And this deadline is really important to me.

On the bright side, at some point I will look back at this scene and actually like the scene and how it turned out and what happened in it. It sounds weird. Right now I am not interested in this scene, or rather the sentence by sentence process of moving the plot forward through this scene. I don't want to bother. But I love my MC: "She shook her head, wiped the back of her hand across her leaky, betraying eyes, and sniffed loudly." She's such a cute little endearing kid. I just want to give her a big hug.

Oh, I'm so off/out of sorts today. wah

This is totally messing up my work time. I cannot focus. I cannot get myself interested in imagining my scene. I can't lose a day. That will not be good. that will totally mess with the bottom line and the time line and the due date.

Oops- forgot my word count update: 65K

I am now over 65K. This is ABSOLUTELY pathetic. It is like a month to get about 5000 words. tsk. tsk. And that's all I have to say about that.

Moving on, wonderful, wonderful. I have a lot to write tonight. I need to get right into it so I can finish up in time to watch my show. (bad, gabby, bad) but it's a tradition with the hubby and I don't want to skip it.

So anyway, time to write my 2nd bonus scene. It'd be good if I can write 2 scenes in just under 2 hours. I'll keep you updated... LOL, like you can get me to shut up about it. [moving forward, moving forward... woot]