In pieces that you leave behind

My friend's dad died today. Unexpected, of a heart attack.

It's so different the way you feel when they are slipping away from you slowly and when it is all of a sudden.

I didn't know him. But I'm so sad for my friend. And I'm so sad that someone can be taken without giving us a chance to say goodbye.

Death is so final.

My husband is very sang-frois about it. He said everyone goes. He is dealing with diabetes and he's so matter of fact about the fact that he expects to die young.

I guess it's good for me, given my deep fear of death. I don't accept the wall. I don't want to be stuck on one side while my husband is on the other.

I miss my grandfathers. But I notice I am more depressed aboutt the one that took his own life than the one that faded, gently away.

I miss my uncle that I lost when I was 13... how long was that? 23 years ago now. maybe 24. He had a stroke in a pool and drown. It was a shock that doesn't leave me.

I regret the grandfather that died before my father was even born. It's not fair that I never got to meet him, and know what he was like, and see the similarities between him and my dad. Which is nothing to the curiosity my dad must feel.

Why must we get such a limited time here? Why can't we know if it continues? Like Doubting Thomas got to know. I wish he would come fill us in too.

If that's too much to ask, just let me on the secret. Is it sleep and then black? Or do I wake up and get to see them all again. Maybe regret and sorrow is part of the lesson that makes us appreciate heaven more? Well it's a cruel test in my opinion.